<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>Birth by llcflms</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25142092">Birth</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/llcflms/pseuds/llcflms'>llcflms</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Tokyo Ghoul</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Gen, Gore, but just be warned i guess?, i think a 6 year old killing someone and enjoying it is kinda fucked up, not too sure it's as graphic, so be warned of that too, some cute sibling interactions here and there i guess</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 02:20:40</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>6,789</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25142092</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/llcflms/pseuds/llcflms</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>The first time Ayato sees Touka kill is also the first time he kills someone. The beginnings of a young boy's spiral down a bloody and violent path.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Kirishima Ayato &amp; Kirishima Touka</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>12</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Birth</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I wrote this a while ago. I know that Ishida confirmed that it wasn't Ayato who killed Satou but a random ghoul (lmaoooo she had that coming) but when I wrote this, we didn't know that yet and I really wanted Ayato to get back at her, especially since I could tell Ayato really really liked and trusted her. Satou is SO crucial to Ayato's character and I really just wanted to play around with it.</p><p>Thinking about baby Kirishima siblings alone against the world always makes me so sad.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Don’t wander too far off.” She’s holding him as she speaks, their bodies pressing against each other in an attempt to keep warm in the winter snow. It’s cold and it feels colder when Touka pulls away from him and starts walking away. Ayato shivers immediately and he wants to call out for her, but he shuts up as the thought surfaces, forcing out a smile as he follows behind Touka to the door of their current home— an abandoned warehouse in a part of town he’s never been to before this. Touka opens the door, takes a look outside and turns back to him briefly. <em>Be a good boy, </em>her eyes seem to say, before she nods at him and slips out of the place. The sound of the door closing echos around him and as it repeats, the fact that he’s alone now begins to weigh heavier and heavier down on his shoulders.</p><p>
  <em>Onee-chan, don’t go. Onee-chan, come back. Onee-chan, it’s dark. Onee-chan, it’s cold. Onee-chan, I’m scared.</em>
</p><p>He shakes his head again, forcing himself to shut out the thoughts even as a sob escapes his mouth. <em>No. </em>He can’t do this. He can’t continue to be a baby. He’s six years old now— a big boy. When Touka was six, she was fighting to protect him. He needs to be like her. He’s the boy after all and Father said that because of that, he needs to protect her. He’s definitely not protecting her if all he’s doing is sitting at home and crying to himself.</p><p><em>Don’t be a crybaby. You’re a man, aren’t you? </em>Touka used to tell him that a lot. She used to play a lot of pranks on him and he used to get very scared, running into his father’s arms with tears streaming down his face. Both his sister and father had said he used to do that to his mother as well, but Ayato can’t remember his mother at all. She died when he was two. Back then, Father used to tell him that Mother went somewhere far, far away and he’d only see her when he’s old enough to go there as well. He wonders if that’s where Father is now. Did he leave Touka and Ayato to be with their mother? Why couldn’t he bring them along?</p><p>
  <em>When we die, our souls go to a better place— a place where light shines through leaves and it never rains; a place where laughter and joy is the language we speak; a place so magical that it makes the most fantastical of fairy tales seem like nothing.</em>
</p><p>How cruel— their father went there without them.</p><p>There’s nothing for Ayato to do right now. He doesn’t have any chores to complete. He used to help Father out around the house, especially whenever Father and Touka went out. Ayato didn’t like the outdoors that much. There are too many people, especially the <em>humans</em> who were different from them ghouls<em>. </em>The sun is too hot in summer and it burns his skin. The snow is too cold in winter and it stifles his nose. Staying at home is better. So when Touka goes with Father to see their neighbours, he stays home and does other things to help.</p><p>But their home now isn’t even theirs and there’s nothing for him to clean. The only clothes they have are what’s on them so there’s nothing for him to fold. Ayato walks around aimlessly, pausing by the cracked and broken mirror that lay against a corner of the wall and staring at his reflection.</p><p>Sometimes, when it’s too hard to really see, his reflection looks like Touka. It’s times like this he feels comforted in her absence. He wants his sister to be with him more, but he knows she can’t afford to do so. He’ll only be a burden if he stays by her side when she’s out.</p><p>Touka used to bring him everywhere she goes, never leaving him out of her sight. But when they went underground that one time, they met some really mean ghouls. Ayato hadn’t understood what was going on. Touka talked to them in a language he didn’t know. But she was angry and they were angry as well. Ayato was scared. He stuck close to her but when the ghouls jumped at them, he was pulled away. He didn’t know what happened after that. He only knew that he felt a lot of pain and that he was screaming and crying for<em> Onee-chan, Otou-san </em>and even<em> Okaa-san</em>. Ayato doesn’t like pain. He’s terrified of it.</p><p>But his sister is amazing and powerful. She kept the pain from spreading. Touka said that one of the ghouls had bit him and tried to eat him because he’s chubby and cute and people like that look like they made good meals. He was confused when she said it— why did those ghouls want to eat him when he was a ghoul?— but he didn’t care. His body hurt too much. He continued to cry and sob, until another ghoul showed up— a short, small ghoul that looked like a child herself who claimed to be an adult.</p><p>The girl who looked like a child but called herself an adult gave them meat. She helped Touka to tend to Ayato’s wounds. He felt better after a while. Father always said to thank people who helped you. But when he tried to talk, he simply sobbed. Touka thanked her for him, instead. </p><p>But the girl hadn’t smiled at them at all and she didn’t even smile when Touka thanked her. Instead, she told them to run away. She’s an important person of an important group of people in that place and she knows they aren’t safe from her people. Ayato didn’t understand what she was saying, but he thinks she must be a princess or something. Or maybe not, because she doesn’t <em>look</em> like a princess. Her clothes were messy and she wasn’t tall and pretty with blonde hair and huge eyes like the princesses in books Father had read to him. Maybe she’s better than a princess— just like Touka is better than one too.</p><p>Touka and Ayato never talked about that time after they left the underground ward. Ayato wonders occasionally what that girl had told Touka to make her decide they should leave. But he’s never really regretted that move. On the surface, he doesn’t run into ghouls that want to eat him. It also smells less like pee and poop up here. He gets to breathe fresh air. He gets to see birds and cats in the alleys they walk through some time. The underground ward had no animals. Ayato likes animals so he thinks this is better.</p><p>Remembering that moment now makes Ayato sad, just as it always does. Those ghouls who attacked him only did it because he’s small and weak. He’s nothing like Touka who’s stronger and bigger. Touka’s ten. She’s like an adult. He knows it’s probably because she’s older that she is protecting him. But Father had said that he had to protect her because he’s the boy. Even if he’s only six, he wants to grow up faster. He’s so close to being ten as well– four years away. He’s almost an adult, isn’t he? So it’s okay. He can still try.</p><p>He remembers his promise and he remembers his sister. These things always help him whenever he wants to get them out— his ka… kagu… kagu<em>something</em>? He can’t remember what it’s called, even though Touka laughs at him whenever he asks her. “How many times do I have to tell you?” She’ll pinch his cheek as she tells him what it is.</p><p>He calls them wings because they look like wings. Ayato dislikes the form his takes. Touka has one on her left side and is much larger. His are a small pair that sprouts on both sides. They’re a mix of blue and red but unlike the paints he used to mix back home, they don’t turn purple at all.</p><p>His wings glow brightly and Ayato winces as he stares at them through the mirror. The place is dark and right now, he’s the only source of light. He looks at himself and he thinks of angels in books his father read to him. Angels with huge wings that shine and glow even when everything seems so dark. There are also the fairies; he’s probably more like a fairy. His wings are tiny, just like theirs, but they also give out light. Maybe when he gets bigger, they’ll look more like angel wings.</p><p>But Ayato doesn’t want angel wings. His wings can never truly be an angel’s. He’s a ghoul. Ghouls are monsters. He’s more like the Devil, but the Devil’s wings don’t shine. What Ayato wants is Touka’s wing. Touka’s wing is the best. It protected him so many times. If Ayato wants to become someone who can protect Touka, he has to become like her first and then, get stronger from there. <em>Yes, that is what he should do</em>. Having a plan makes him feel good, but he’s still at a loss over what he should do.</p><p>He’s going to try his very hardest, until he himself can form just one wing on his left shoulder; until he himself can become her. Touka says that when she’s old enough, she’ll get a mask of a rabbit— a white one, just like the rabbit she sees on tvs when they walk past some shops in the streets. Ayato will get one too, he decides. He’ll get a black one; Touka had called him her shadow once— because he always followed behind her wherever she went. Shadows are black, aren’t they?</p>
<hr/><p>Touka is fine with him going out if he promises to stay within close distance of their home. Ayato walks out sometime after he feels like he’s going to go crazy from staying in that dark place. When he feels like he can’t keep the tears in anymore, he knows he needs to keep himself busy.</p><p>He pulls on his hood when he steps out. It’s night already so he doesn’t have to worry about the sun, but he still feels more comfortable with his hood on. He’s able to keep his face hidden slightly.</p><p>Going out is a normal routine but on that day, it’s different. He hears noises and music. It’s loud and he feels himself vibrate from how blaring it is. He shudders, somewhat terrified at the thought of what might be happening, but he’s also curious. Ayato heads towards it but as the sounds get louder, he stops. The smell is starting to hit him— the smell he fears so much, yet the smell he wants more than anything.</p><p>
  <em>He smells humans.</em>
</p><p>He doesn’t know what to do and as the loud, explosive noises continue, Ayato’s overwhelmed with fear. His knees shake and he falls to the ground. He’s terrified, even though there’s nothing to be scared of. He smells so many humans. They’re noisy, they’re scary. He’s afraid— he’s so afraid.</p><p>
  <em>Onee-chan. Onee-chan.</em>
</p><p>And then, he smells <em>her</em> as he calls out for her. The familiar aroma of his sister. Ayato’s scrabbling to his feet, scampering away from the humans’ territory and deeper into the alleys and darknesses he had been walking away from. His sister’s scent gets stronger and along with it, his footsteps quicken. Even if he’s barely able to breathe anymore, even when tears are falling out of his eyes, Ayato continues towards her. He’ll be safe there. He doesn’t have to worry. He’ll run into her arms. She’ll probably get worried, but whenever she’s worried, she always holds him tighter when they go to sleep. He’ll be okay. </p><p>But when he reaches her, he stops. He hasn’t seen her yet. He knows she’s right after the bend. All he needs to do is turn. But he doesn’t. The alluring odour hasn’t faded even though he’s alway from that place.</p><p>
  <em>Humans…</em>
</p><p>And just as he thinks about it, he hears them.</p><p>“The fuck? I thought we’re gonna be dealing with some other big guy but it’s just a fucking kid?”</p><p>“Kid or not, it’s still one of those monsters.”</p><p>Ayato trembles. He sniffs. He smells two men with Touka. Slowly, and with his legs shaking much more than before, he inches closer. He presses his body to the wall and leans out slightly, only to look out from behind the wall. He sees Touka, standing as tall as she can, unflinching and brave– the men tower over her, but she doesn’t seem frightened at all. He looks at the men and immediately, he’s frozen. Coats. Suitcases. Big tall men.</p><p>
  <em>They are ghoul investigators.</em>
</p><p>Ayato almost cries out at the realisation, but his voice catches in his throat. He’s sobbing again, shaking as he holds onto the wall. Two big, <em>big</em> man face his sister. Even if she’s strong, can she fight them? Their father had always told them to stay away and beware of men like that. He said even he feared them. <em>If Otou-san can’t do anything about them even though he’s a man, what can Onee-chan do?</em></p><p>“It’s a fucking monster anyway. If we don’t do anything about it now, we might have to deal with it when it’s bigger.” With that, the men lunge at his sister and Ayato runs out without a second thought.</p><p>“Onee-chan!”</p><p>Touka jumps away from the men and whips her head towards him as he calls out to her. Her eyes widen immediately and he sees fear and a hint of anger.</p><p>“Ayato? What are you doing here?”</p><p>“Fucking hell? Another one?” </p><p>One of the men swings something at her. It looks like a huge bat, only it’s like a crystal and is bright blue. Touka dodges it easily. Ayato hadn’t even known his sister is that fast and agile. Her kagu<em>whatever</em> wing appears and in one move, she slices the man in the throat. Blood splatters out, onto her and onto their surroundings. Ayato freezes.</p><p>
  <em>She killed him.</em>
</p><p>His sister. His kind, loving, gentle sister. She just killed someone in cold blood.</p><p>“Onee-chan—”</p><p>“Get out of here Ayato!” she cries out. She turns to him and it seems like she stiffens in shock as well. </p><p>Ayato hadn’t noticed the other man, who’s now standing right by his side, a gun pulled out and aimed at his head. Ayato’s still frozen. He can’t move. He doesn’t really know what’s going on as well.</p><p>The only thing he knows is that he can’t do anything. He doesn’t know how to use his wings. He doesn’t know how to fight. He’s weak. He’s dumb. He should have realised this before he ran out. Ayato trembles as he hears the man pull the trigger, closing his eyes and clenching his fists. He should jump out of the way, but his legs aren’t listening to him.</p><p>He hears a bang as the gun fires and immediately, his head explodes into a burst of pain. He wants to cry out, but he chokes on his words. Is he dead as well now? Is he going to where his parents are? <em>Otou-san, Okaa-san… I…</em></p><p>He opens his eyes. Touka’s face hovers over his, but it’s only for a short moment before she’s getting off him and pulling him up. The pain from his head begins to fade into a dull ache. He sees the man still standing with his gun pointed at them, but their positions had changed.</p><p>Touka had pushed him away in the last minute. He had fallen and hit his head right as the gun fired. The realisation only makes Ayato more disgusted. Once again, he’s being protected.</p><p>“Get out of here, Ayato! Go! Now!” Touka screams. Her wing blazes out more than before as she rushes at the man, who dodges and begins firing again.</p><p>He shouldn’t leave. He has to fight alongside her. But even as he tells himself that, he’s turning around and sprinting away from the sight, dashing as fast as he can away from his sister, the man she just killed and the man who’s either going to kill her or is going to be killed by her. </p><p>He chokes and splutters, stumbling and falling as he runs away. He’s so confused, so scared. He has to go home. He’s going to go home and wait for her to come back. It’s what he should have done from the very beginning. He runs and he runs, never bothering about the tears running down his face and the snot dribbling down his nose.</p><p>But no matter how far he runs, he never gets home. He doesn’t know which way to run anymore. He doesn’t know where he is. He hears the loud noises of the humans, but he’s too afraid to go towards them. What if he sees a parade of men carrying suitcases over there? What would stupid, little weak him do?</p><p>Instead, he runs away from it. He’s running away from home. Home is in the opposite direction— towards the humans. He runs and strangely enough, he does find himself back home. But this isn’t the home Touka and him are living in right now; this was their home, once upon a time when they had a proper home.</p><p>He had run to their old neighbourhood. He’d been running from humans, but somehow he ended up right in the heart of humans again.</p><p>His head spins. He tries to take a moment to breathe and relax. But it’s hard to do so when he remembers what he had just seen. Touka had never killed anyone in front of him before. She looked used to what she was doing. He wonders if the meat they’ve been eating were really from corpses, or had Touka killed them too? Perhaps that’s why sometimes, the meat tastes better than usual. He probably ate some fresh-kill on those days.</p><p>
  <em>But if it tastes better then—</em>
</p><p><em>No no. </em>He needs to go. But as he tries to go away, he stops as a particular house comes into sight. Ayato looks around, but he doesn’t see anyone in sight. It should be fine, shouldn’t it? <em>Just five minutes</em>.</p><p>He walks quietly towards the house and he looks at the nameplate hanging outside. He can’t read it. He’s never seen that kanji before. But he knows for sure it’s not “Kirishima”. A bitter taste rises in his mouth. Someone else lives here now. Someone else is having a meal with their father— and maybe their mother— in there. Someone else is happy. Someone else is warm. Someone else is safe.</p><p>And Ayato realises he hates that someone else, even though he’s never hated anyone before.</p><p>Are they human? Are they another ghoul pretending to be human? What kind of nice life are they living right now? <em>How dare they live happily while he’s stuck outside?</em> Ayato has been upset before, but he’s never been angry. Or if he did, he’s never felt anger like this before. It doesn’t matter if the sun is no longer there or if it’s night. He’s burning. Someone is living the life he <em>should be </em>living. Someone is feeling the happiness he <em>should be </em>feeling. Someone has their family with them when <em>he should have his family with him.</em></p><p>
  <em>You fuc—</em>
</p><p>“Hey, you! Who’s there?”</p><p>He recognises that voice. He’ll know that dreadful voice even if he’s been to the deepest depths of hell and back up. No demon can ever hope to sound as disgusting.</p><p>She’s shining a flashlight at him and he raises his hand to shield his face from the glare. He needs to do something quickly. But the pathway is so narrow that it’s impossible to run past her to get away. She comes up to him and turns her light away from his face. She smells gross, yet she smells good at the same time.</p><p>He realises he hasn’t eaten in a while as well. Touka is supposed to be bringing back food today.</p><p>“Oh, a kid?” Satou murmurs. Ayato lets his hand drop to his sides and he looks up to her. Touka had looked up at the men from before even though they can kill her. This old woman doesn’t have a suitcase. She can’t kill him. It had never stopped her from trying to get him killed before, but she doesn’t have investigators with her now. He stares at her, face revealed, preparing himself for her to run screaming for help. Once she runs, he’ll run too. If he goes home, Touka will be there by now. She can get rid off anyone who comes after him.</p><p><em>Protected, once again. </em>He forces himself not to think, bracing himself completely instead.</p><p>However, Satou smiles. “What is a young kid like you doing out here? Are you lost?”</p><p>She doesn’t remember. She doesn’t recognise him. Should he really be surprised? Would he remember monsters? He doesn’t remember the ghouls who bit him in the underground ward. But he remembers Satou and he remembers what she did— but if that’s the case, does that mean Satou is not a monster even when she tried to get him and his sister killed?</p><p>Are ghouls really the only monsters?</p><p>“Come inside, it’s getting cold,” she says. She takes his hand, gently like she used to back when times were happier, and pulls him along as she goes. Satou is a nice woman but he supposes it’s only to humans. Maybe she thinks humans deserve kindness but not ghouls, which is why she was mean to them when she found out the truth.</p><p>
  <em>But why?</em>
</p><p>She brings him to the house he knows almost as well as his previous one. The place still looks the same outside, but inside, it seems like things have changed. Satou has tables now, with chairs. Her walls have changed colours. They’re bright orange. It’s disgusting. He likes the blue it used to be better. Ayato likes the colour blue.</p><p>“Are you hungry? I have some food leftover from dinner,” she says. Ayato shakes his head.</p><p>“Do you need a change of clothes or something? My grandson’s clothes might fit you.” Ayato shakes his head at her words again.</p><p>“Where are your parents? Do you want to call them? I can lend you my phone,” she offers. Her eyes stare at him in worry and concern.</p><p>It sickens him how fake those concern seem. It makes him want to throw up. He stares back at her, wondering what will happen if he tells her, “My name is Kirishima Ayato, the ghoul who used to live next door.”</p><p>He doesn’t. Instead, he replies her question. “Parents… Don’t have any.” <em>They’re dead, probably because of people like you.</em></p><p>“Oh. Do you have a home to go back to?” she asks and he nods. Satou picks up her phone. “What’s your number?”</p><p>“We don’t have a phone.”</p><p>She frowns, places her phone down and walks over to him, placing her hands on both his shoulders. “It’s fine. You can stay here for tonight. Tomorrow, we’ll get you home in the morning, okay?”</p><p>She’s so nice to him but it only makes him disgusted. Ayato wants to be comforted by her, but it doesn’t feel sincere to him at all.</p><p>“What’s your name?” she asks.</p><p>Again, it hits him. She doesn’t recognise him. He’s not someone for her to remember. Even though she’s the very reason he has to suffer. She’s the reason he’s here while <em>someone else </em>is in his house.</p><p>“My… name…?” </p><p>Ayato is tired. He wants to go home and sleep. Touka must be looking for him. He has to go back to her. She’ll scold him for worrying, but she’ll hug him tightly when they go to sleep after that. Touka’s hugs are nice and warm. He loves them more than anyone else’s. </p><p>“Yes, your name. Do you have one?”</p><p>“You know my name,” he murmurs. It slips out before he realises it.</p><p>“Oh? Have we met before? I’m sorry, Oba-chan over here is getting old. She can’t remember too many things.”</p><p>That’s right. They had called her that at one point in time as well. No, they called her that right till the very end.</p><p>“Why don’t you tell me? Come on, jog my memory a bit.”</p><p>She’s so nice to him now. She’s laughing and smiling. He knows that the moment she finds out the truth, it’ll be different. She won’t be gentle and kind anymore— she’ll become cruel again. Just like how she stuffed the food in his mouth when they didn’t want to eat. Just like how she called the investigators.</p><p>He wonders— is it really that someone in his house that he should be hating right now? That someone did nothing to him. He shouldn’t hate someone who did nothing wrong. But Satou made him cry. <em>Satou made his sister cry.</em></p><p>“We used to live over there… next door… Otou-san, Onee-chan and I.” He drones like a robot. Touka always laughed at him whenever his tone sounds like this. She said it sounds stupid and it makes people think he’s too bored. She said she’s heard villains in movies talk like that when they can’t be bothered about the bad things they do and how they hurt people. Ayato stopped talking like that whenever she pointed that out. He never wanted to be a villain— he wanted to be a good guy, like Father was. A person who was always smiling and cheerful is a person that people always loves; he wanted to be like that.</p><p>But the smiling and cheerful father of his is not a hero. Heroes always come back. Father didn’t, probably because the villain defeated him. Maybe heroes are not always smiling and laughing. Maybe villains are not always droning and bored— the men fighting Touka wasn’t and Satou isn’t as well. If he talks like that, is he a villain? </p><p>Satou’s eyes had gone wide, her body going stiff. She snatches her hands away from him, taking a few steps away from him. Her jaws tremble and Ayato sees the movement in her throat as she swallows. <em>The throat… </em>When his father used to read books of lions in the wild to him, he told him that lions always go for their prey’s throats.</p><p>“Y-you… You… That monster…”</p><p><em>I have a name. </em>He knows Satou knows it and he knows she knows his name. But she makes no effort to call him, murmuring ‘ghoul’ and ‘monster’ under her breath. Ayato wants to cry. He feels less than she is whenever she calls him those things. Touka and his Father had told him before— he’s not a monster, he’s just different. <em>Ayato you’re a sweet boy so you’re definitely not a monster.</em> But what did they think of themselves, he wonders. Did Touka think of herself as a monster when she killed the man just now?</p><p>Satou continues to whisper curses as she continues to back away. She seems too frightened to call for help. Ayato’s frightened as well. But he’s not cursing her to die. He’s not calling her mean and hateful things. The more she speaks, the more he wants to breakdown. But he doesn’t, only because there’s something stronger brewing in him. <em>He hates Satou Oba-chan.</em> He hates her and the race she represents. </p><p>
  <em>I want to be like Onee-chan.</em>
</p><p>He lunges at her, knocking her off her feet much easier than he had thought it’ll be. He goes for her throat, just like lions do, just like Touka had done. His teeth clamp down hard on the thick flesh and he’s ripping it in a matter of seconds, drowning in the taste of her blood flowing into his mouth and down his throat. She tries to scream but nothing comes out but gargles. She’s looking at him with horrified eyes as he lifts himself up, staring down at her. She struggles to speak and among the distorted words that she throws out, he makes something out.</p><p>
  <em>Ayato-kun.</em>
</p><p>His name falling out of her mouth disgusts him more than it should and he’s leaning forward again, tearing her apart, stripping her bare till he sees the tainted whiteness of bones. He chews and swallows, stomaching as much as he can. He didn’t think he was that hungry and he never knew he had this big an appetite. It’s too delicious. He can’t resist the taste. He’s getting the freshest of fresh-kills, the purest kind of blood and meat. He realises he’s laughing, crying out in delight at how he’s enjoying the taste. Satou is bigger than an average human but he eats and he eats, until most of the edible meat is gone and all that’s left are the bitter fats and innards that Touka will usually throw away, or eat herself when there’s not enough food and she’s given him most of the rest.</p><p>He stares at the dead body, or what used to be a dead body. He had always thought that the first time he killed, he’d fall to a sobbing and wailing mess, begging for forgiveness from someone above. But he’s calm. He’s so calm that his reaction to Touka’s murder just now seems like him falling into insanity. He killed Satou. He killed the woman who tried to kill them.</p><p>He feels… <em>good.</em> He’s never felt better about himself. Killing her made him feel strong and powerful. It made her look weak and pathetic. He snorts at her, looking down at the mangled body victoriously. </p><p>He made his first kill. He finally killed someone. It feels like something has changed in him, like he’s taken a step into a different world. He feels like a whole new person right now. He looks down at himself. He’s soaked in her blood, from head to toe. His white pants and t-shirt are completely stained in red.</p><p>It probably is better to wear darker colours the next time he does this. <em>He should get more black clothes…</em></p><p><em>Next time? </em>Is there going to be a next time?</p><p>He stares at Satou’s body again and recalls how little effort it had taken for him to kill her. Now that he thinks about it, hadn’t Touka killed the man really easily as well? Humans are weaker than he thought, apparently. They’re small fries, nothing too big. The thought sends a wave of realisation washing over him— if all humans are like this, what is there for him to fear?</p><p>Father had lost to them. He’d always assume it was Father’s stupid decision to live with humans that stole him away from them, that maybe he was betrayed by another Satou somewhere else. Ayato realises he’s wrong. Father lost to them because he was too weak to win. He was weaker than Touka was the day investigators came to their house. That’s why Touka and Ayato lived. That’s why Father did not come back. He was weak, so weak that Ayato’s embarrassed and disgusted.</p><p><em>Otou-san, aren’t you a ghoul?</em> Ayato gets up and walks away from Satou’s body with the thought burning in his mind. Father died because he’s weak. Even though he says that Ayato should protect Touka as the boy, he couldn’t protect them. What kind of a man is he? Father never kept his promise. If that’s the case, why should Ayato?</p><p>He’s going to protect Touka— not because Father told him to, but because she’s Touka and he loves her. Touka will never become weak. She’ll always be strong. He’s sure of that. If she ends up like Father, then she’ll be dead to him. But Ayato doesn’t have to worry about that, does he? Father never killed humans, but Touka does. Touka is more like Ayato.</p><p>Ayato tells himself he’ll get stronger. He’ll catch up to Touka and meet up to her strength and then, they’ll get stronger— <em>together</em>. Ayato beams widely— a smile after a long time. He likes the thought of this. He’ll get to go through the feeling again, feel that rush of killing again, but with Touka beside him and with Touka feeling it as well. He feels like an animal— like the lion from the book— but it’s fine. Ghouls are monsters, aren’t they? Monsters are more like animals than humans.</p><p>
  <em>Onee-chan, let’s become unbeatable.</em>
</p>
<hr/><p>He somehow managed to find his way back. It’s still nighttime, though he has no idea what time it was exactly. He’s about to open the door to his home when it’s thrown open. He’s greeted by his sister’s frantic face.</p><p>“Ayato where were— What happened to you?” She jumps back at the sight of him, shrieking in horror. He doesn’t get a chance to reply before she’s pulling him in and stripping him off his clothes. “Are you hurt anywhere? There’s so much blood… Did you get into a fight? Shit, what happened? Are you okay?”</p><p>The blood had seeped through his clothes and had coloured his pale skin a bright crimson. Touka runs her hands over his body, desperately searching for any wounds or injuries.</p><p>“It’s fine… Onee-chan. I’m not hurt. I found some meat and I was hungry and I ate it. The blood was flying everywhere,” he explains. He doesn’t know why he lied to her. But he feels that he’s not ready to tell her the truth yet. Touka has been desperately hiding her own killings from him as well. Maybe she thinks he’s too young. He wants her to know he’s not, but he’s worried that she might get angry. Touka looks scared now. He doesn’t want to make things worse.</p><p>“Come on.” She takes his hand and pulls him to the back of their home. There’s a tap there where water still flows even though no one comes here anymore. The water isn’t clean, but it isn’t dirty either. It’s good for cleaning their bodies. It’s where they bathe. There’s also some kind of drainage it leads to so it’s convenient for them. Ayato wishes they had a proper shower, but they’re lucky they have a place to clean. </p><p>She leaves him to wash himself as she rummages through their things. Ayato scrubs the blood off himself. He doesn’t really care if it stains him, but the scent might attract other ghouls. This is why Touka is making him clean. She can fight humans, but maybe she isn’t strong enough for other grown-up ghouls. Ayato realises that they have to get stronger against ghouls as well, not just humans.</p><p>If they want to survive, they have to be at the very top.</p><p>“You can use this blanket,” Touka tells him when he’s done, throwing him a greyish piece of cloth. Ayato immediately wraps himself up, huddling under it as he tries to keep warm. Touka puts his clothes into a plastic bag and ties it tightly. “I’m going to get rid of this. I’ll be back soon. I’ll get you some clothes tomorrow. Make do with this for now”</p><p>He nods at her and she goes to leave. Touka pauses at the door, looking back at him with a glare. “<em>Stay here</em>,” she commands. He shivers slightly at her tone but nods again. She hesitates for a while, but she walks out nonetheless, closing the door securely behind her.</p><p>Touka looked worried when he came back. She must have been out looking for him and it looked like she was about to leave again when he came back. She must have been terrified seeing him covered in blood. He realises the last time they saw each other, she had saved him from being killed. It makes sense she felt scared and worried. She always wants to protect him. He’ll be sure to hug her and apologise to her when she’s back. For now, he decides to get some rest. It’s been a long day. </p><p>He settles down against a wall and closes his eyes.</p>
<hr/><p>When he opens his eyes, he’s no longer sitting. He’s lying on a mattress. Touka is beside him, crawling onto it as well. She lies down beside him and pulls him closer to her.</p><p>“Did I wake you up? I tried to be careful when carrying you,” she murmurs. She nestles her face into his hair and hugs him tight. “I was so worried.”</p><p>“I know,” he murmurs. <em>Ah… That tone…</em></p><p>“I thought you were going to die. He had that gun to your head. Are you an idiot? You didn’t even move,” she continues, almost sobbing and almost lecturing him. “Why were you there? Where did you go afterwards? I tried so hard to find you. I was scared some of their back-ups might have taken you.”</p><p>
  <em>She didn’t laugh at him for using that tone.</em>
</p><p>“I’m sorry, Onee-chan. I was scared,” he says. “But you know, Onee-chan, I’m not scared anymore.”</p><p>
  <em>Humans are weak. There’s nothing to be scared of.</em>
</p><p>“Is that so?” she sighs. He nods against her and she snorts. “I think I will always be scared.”</p><p>“You’re so strong.”</p><p>“I’m not strong enough yet,” she admits. “I’m scared I’m too weak to protect you. I’m scared I lose you, Ayato.”</p><p>“You won’t.”</p><p>“I might,” she chokes out. “I didn’t want you to know about the kind of monster I’ve become. I’ve been trying to get stronger and I’ve killed a lot of people. It makes me so sick and I hate myself for doing it. It’s disgusting. But you get used to it after a while I think. The first time is the worst. It makes you want to throw up. I cried for hours after I did it. It made me hate myself.”</p><p>He’s silent as she speaks, not really understanding what she’s trying to say. He didn’t feel any of that. It made him happy. It made him feel good. He liked it. But Touka hates it.</p><p>“Why does it feel like that for you?” <em>Why doesn’t it feel like that for me?</em></p><p>“It just does,” she replies. He feels her shrug a little against him. “You’ll know when you do it. It’s the worst feeling ever.”</p><p>But it wasn’t the worst feeling ever— <em>it was one of the best.</em></p><p>“Well, I hope you’ll never have to do it,” she murmurs.</p><p>He can’t tell her about all that happened, not right now, not after she’s said such things. But he’s made his decision and he’s not backing down from that.</p><p>“I want to be by Onee-chan’s side. I want to be stronger,” he admits. “Onee-chan, won’t you teach me?”</p><p>He hears her gulp and her body stiffens in his arms.</p><p>“I don’t want you to,” she whispers.</p><p>“It’s safer,” he says. “Even if I stay here, what if a scary person comes when you’re away?”</p><p>It was a fear that he always felt whenever she left. Most of the time he cowered in the back of the place. There are some junk and boxes around and he’s small enough to hide behind them. He bolted to that spot whenever he hears something. But it’s always nothing. The only one who ends up coming is Touka. One day, it might be something else though. </p><p>“Onee-chan, I can take out my ka… uhh… kagu… kagu… uhh…” He still can’t remember what it’s called.</p><p>“Kagune?”</p><p>“Yeah! I can take my <em>kagune</em> out already. It looks different from yours but I want to use them just like you do.”</p><p>
  <em>This time, he promises to remember it. </em>
</p><p>“Fine,” she grumbles. “I guess I could teach you.”</p><p>He hasn’t felt that excited before. Touka murmurs something about going to sleep and she closes her eyes tightly. He’s a little too happy to sleep, imagining himself being taught by Touka to fight and then going out with her and fighting alongside her. He’s going to become a strong ghoul that can stand by her side. They can go out together and fight more suitcase men, maybe wear masks just like other awesome ghouls he had heard about before did. He remembers the fantasy of the white and black rabbit masks. It might be nice if that happens.</p><p>Touka falls asleep very easily. He can hear her heartbeat slow to a steady rhythm, just like her breathing does. It’s a calming sound. He likes to listen to it. It makes him feel light and bubbly. He presses himself close to her, letting sleep overcome him as well. The last thing he’s really aware of is the smell surrounding him— the faint tinge of blood hanging on both her and him.</p><p>They smell like the monsters they are, he concludes.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I'll just copy and paste my author's note from tumblr onto here. </p><p>I was trying my best to balance Ayato’s childish innocence in the fic with the darkness of what he did and felt in the end. I was really worried about that but I’m glad it worked out fine.</p><p>Ayato is younger than Touka and I think it’s actually Touka who might have succumbed to hate and anger, but I think she’s kept grounded by her desire to protect Ayato, which is why she feels more troubled than he does. She doesn’t completely lose her humanity (or it’s ghoul equivalent of the term) when she kills. She’s seeking to grow stronger to protect.</p><p>Touka is disgusted by the act of killing though. She’s still very young and her father’s teaching still surface in her mind. I think she shows aspects of this in the manga as well. She kills, but she sees herself as a monster when she does. Which is why she keeps it from Ayato at first. She’s worried he might think of her differently if he ever finds out. I think that if Ayato hadn’t killed Satou and really experienced killing for himself, it might have turned out that way. He was troubled by seeing Touka kill the Dove. But he was too scared to really think through everything, and later he got distracted by the place to consider Touka’s actions. I imagine him doubting Touka and being a little wary of her if he had run back home and waited for her. He was that big of a coward in the beginning.</p><p>But he didn’t and he killed someone as well. Unlike Touka, he genuinely enjoys it. It made him feel strong. I think in Ayato’s case, he’s been killing himself thinking about how weak he is and how he promised his father to protect Touka but could never do so. He spends days staying at home doing nothing but thinking about this fact. So I imagine his loathing of his weakness is much stronger than Touka’s. When he kills Satou, he feels power for the first time and it makes him feel good. He’s 6. He sees things in simple terms and he’s unable to feel complex emotions that much yet. Something is other wrong or right to a kid. Father says killing is wrong, but when he kills someone, he feels happy. He feels happy when he eats. He feels happy when his sister hugs him. He feels happy from good things– so killing must be good.</p><p>I chose Satou precisely to make him take the step and kill someone. It has to be someone of importance for an innocent boy to really jump at her. Satou is the best choice in my opinion. When he kills her, he’s covered head to toe in blood, kinda like how a baby is at birth. I debated for a while if I should do this, or if I should make him seem more adult-like in the end (eg. calling Touka Aneki instead of Onee-chan when he gets back). But I decided to stick with his childish self instead, so I went for some kind of ‘symbolic’ (????) rebirth. Also, his white clothes being stained red and his decision to start wearing more black. This is the start of his path towards the blood abyss he falls into. (I do like that in canon, it wasn't Ayato who killed her. The fact that he didn't go after her shows that he wasn't after revenge after all, so his path down in violence is different from Arata's, which is probably why he lived through it, unlike his father. But it's a fun thought to play around with if he did kill Satou.)</p><p>I didn’t get into this because it’s beyond the time frame of the fic, but I see Ayato using his idea of protection more as an excuse subsequently, until it fades from his mind and becomes a subconscious desire that acts up without him realising, like in the Aogiri arc. Ayato, in the end, goes down the path Yoshimura predicted he would and ends up being corrupted by power in canon. And I think the beginnings of this is what I want to show in this fic. It’s only after he realises how good he feels from killing and feeling powerful, only after he laments his father’s weakness, that he thinks of protecting Touka. Even if it’s his dominant thought later, it’s not his first thought.</p><p>It’s this difference that continues holding Touka down, while Ayato starts going wild and losing himself later on as he grows older. Touka’s main goal since the beginning is to protect Ayato, since she’s already the stronger one. Ayato has to get stronger first before he can protect his sister– he loses it in this process.</p><p>Anyway I love the Kirishimas.</p></blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>